sad.

there has to be another way. there has to be a way to get back to God and stop destroying each other in the process. we need to find it. i have seen countless people turn away from God and His promise of eternity - but i think what they are really turning from is the church. why wouldn't you turn and run from the church? no one is perfect and i understand that. however, that cannot be our excuse. why is it so easy to judge? and why is it so hard to love? i mean really love. not this put-on-a-sunday-face-and-shake-my-hand kinda love... i mean real love. the kind that would be willing to really sacrifice. we have this misconception about what love should look like and then we are all let down by it. real love requires sacrifice. it requires putting someone else before yourself... no matter who that someone is or what they believe. it requires caring and kindness, selflessness and compassion, acceptance and humility. it requires a lot and that is exactly what God gave us... a lot. why do we follow historical tradition over God's commands? he said to love your neighbor as yourself. period. he didn't say love your straight neighbor, or your american neighbor, or your rich neighbor, or your beautiful neighbor, or whoever we have stereotyped into the "neighbor" role. he said to love your neighbor. no qualifications, no exceptions. why is this so hard?
i want to seek God in a way that defies normal. i want to find him in the places we overlook. i want authenticity and i'm tired of trying to fit into someone's mold of what a good christian should be. i don't even want to be called that really. i don't want to be classified anymore. it makes my stomach turn actually. i love jesus. that's it. plain and simple. i want to know him in a way that i've never known anyone else. i want to be near him all the time. this is not a love that is passive or structured. in fact, it couldn't be more aggressive and yet free.
how do i get there? how do i break free from the things that hold me down... the very system of religion that has made me who i am is driving me to madness.
something has to change. soon.